Villainy 101 - The Proper Procedure for Hiring Evil Henchmen

Editor's note: I walked in from my lunch break to find another audio recording from our "friend" on my desk. Sounds like our spy has been busy! Click on the following "video" to listen to Dr. Sylvia Sinestra lecture on "The Proper Procedure for Hiring Evil Henchmen," or scroll down to read the transcript.

Previous Villainy 101 Posts:

10 Things Every Villain Should Avoid ~ 5 Things Every Villain Should Do ~ On Heroic Propoganda ~ 3 Steps to Launching Yourself as a Super-Villain

Transcript:

Spy: Howdy folks. Well, good news—I’m still alive. Bad news—these villains have kept me running all week long! Now that they’re alerted to my presence, they’ve been tearing this place apart trying to find me. Not that I’m too worried—these guys obviously haven’t taken Tracking 101. It’s one of the advantages of being a Good Guy—we’re used to hunting down Villains, while the Villains aren’t quite so used to hunting us down.

I’m back in Dr. Sinestra’s class. Couldn’t manage to get a seat in the back today, and didn’t want to risk sitting up front, so let’s just say, I’m perched somewhere high and slightly precarious, but I’ve got a great birds-eye view of the auditorium, so it’s not too bad.

Oh—here comes Dr. Sinestra now.

Dr. Sinestra: I have received confirmed reports that there is a spy in our midst. One of you is betraying us.

And I’m glad to hear it. 

The last thing a Super-Villain has to fear is publicity. As we discussed in our last class, anonymity is the worst fate that can befall a Super-Villain. So, let the world know what the Academy of Ultimate Villainy teaches, and let it tremble in fear of the next generation of Super-Villains!

We of the Academy of Ultimate Villainy would like to offer our thanks to the spy . . . and this warning: Whoever you are, you will be caught. And you will experience firsthand just how grateful the Academy can be.

Now, on to our discussion today. You see on your desks, the fifty question quiz from our last session. Turn it in by the end of class. I need not remind you of the penalty for wrong answers—I’m sure you all remember.

Today, we are discussing the Proper Procedure for Hiring Evil Henchmen.

Evil henchmen are a necessary cog in the machine of Super-Villainy. Without evil henchmen, many a notable Super-Villain would be unable to accomplish their dastardly schemes.

Why? Because as diabolically clever as we are, we simply cannot be in two places at once—the Mad Science Lab has been working on an Omnipresent Machine for years, and the science simply isn’t there yet. So, we are forced to rely upon underlings to be our hands, feet, eyes, and ears throughout the world. 

There are three types of sub-villains who fall under the category of underlings—these are our minions, expendable crewmen, and evil henchmen. Today, we shall focus on evil henchmen and how to go about hiring them.

You as the Super-Villain are the brains of the outfit. Your evil henchmen are the brawn—the brutes, the muscle to get the dirty work done.

Unfortunately, evil henchmen have become somewhat of a stereotype—I’m sure you’ve all seen it depicted in modern entertainment. The witless brute with massive arms, a face that looks like his mummy took a sledgehammer to it, more like a gorilla than a man. As long as he doesn’t speak, he appears fairly intimidating, but the second he opens his mouth, you realize that he’s probably just as slow in a fight as he is at thinking. And this, of course, only serves to give the hero an advantage.

Now why does this stereotype exist?

Because, unfortunately, more often than not, it is true. Evil henchmen are notoriously dull witted. And historically, they have been responsible for the downfall of many a Super-Villain.

But this stereotype can, and should, be avoided at all cost. When the time comes for you to hire your evil henchmen, there are 5 steps you can take to ensure that your henchmen possess a little brains along with the brawn.

1. Ask the evil henchmen their name. If it’s something like Gob, or Snort, or Bubba, or even worse, they respond “Uh . . . duh . . . um . . .” Don’t hire them!
2. Engage them in a five minute conversation. If they use the word “duh” at all, send them packing. Or better yet, send them to the dragon and rid the sub-villain world of their stupidity.
3. Perform an IQ test. We’re not expecting Moriarty-level genius here, but find henchmen who can at least pass the first question! Henchmen need to be able to do basic things like read and write. A novel idea, I know. Don’t get me started on the number of times heroes have pulled the whole fake entrance pass trick and so lied their way into the Super-Villains fortress simply because the gatekeeper couldn’t read!
4. Get references. Ask for resumes. Understandably, when you’re first starting out as a Super-Villain, you cannot be too choosy when assembling your sub-villain team, but at the very least insist upon your henchmen providing references and resumes when they apply for the job. They ask the same when ordinary people apply to work the most basic jobs in the ordinary world. You as a Super-Villain can do no less.
5. The Fight Test. Submit your applicants to a rigorous fight test and training program. One of the stereotypes of evil henchmen is that they often possess no more fighting skills than a wet noodle. What is the use of hiring muscle, if your evil henchmen don’t know how to use it in a fight? Train your evil henchmen in the arts of subtlety, deception, weaponry, and knockout punches, and you will be well on your way to assembling a Super-Army to rule the world.

Next time, we shall discuss the other members of the sub-villains class—minions and expendable crewmen. Your assignment for today, little villains, is to find that spy. Class dismissed.

Spy: Okay . . . so, that was interesting. Um . . . well, hope you find this lecture helpful as you combat the world of Super-Villainy, and you crazy authors do what you crazy authors do. I’m uh . . . going to sneak out of here now. And go do something especially villainous so I can keep my cover. So long for now. This is your spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, signing off.

Editor's Note: Special thanks to my brother-in-law, Bryan, for composing the theme music! It has a proper villainous sound, don't you think? :) Sound effects found through Freesound.org. Many thanks to redjim, cmusounddesign, dobroide, J. Zazvurek, and RHumphries for the use of their sound effects.

Don't forget, the February Characters in Costume Challenge is this Friday - February 8th! Click HERE for more information.